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Caitlyn Jenner Panic Attack: "What Did I Just Do"

Caitlyn Jenner is finally here. Caitlyn's transition into womanhood has not been easy - filled with "passive aggressive" ex-wife, panic attacks, and an uneasy relationship with her kids, Caitlyn Jenner is trying to change her future.

The upcoming profile article that is featured alongside Caitlyn Jenner's debut on the cover of Vanity Fair depicts a woman who is "finally free" to live her life on her terms. But, it appears as though the path to freedom was a long and tough road. Here are some of the highlights from the Vanity Fair cover issue on Caitlyn Jenner's life and transition into womanhood.

Caitlyn Jenner's older kids do not approve

Writer Buzz Bissinger reveals that Caitlyn Jenner's older children, Burt, Cassandra, Brandon, and Brody - from two marriages prior to the Jenner-Kardashian relationship - have refused to appear on the upcoming Caitlyn Jenner E! reality show that will document Caitlyn's transition into womanhood. While the Kardashian kids, have bonded with Caitlyn Jenner onscreen for the last several years, Jenner's other four kids have remained behind the scenes and at times removed from her life altogether. Now, per Bissinger, "they disagree with their father's decision" to producer her reality show for E!, the same network that showcases the lives of the Kardashians with 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians'.
... [D>espite numerous entreaties from their father as well as the head of E! programming, the Jenner children refuse to participate, forgoing financial gain and exposure in the process. At first their decision did not seem to register with Caitlyn. She kept hoping they could be persuaded because she knows from eight years on Keeping Up with the Kardashians the necessity of a family dynamic for ratings success. When she realized the decision was final, she became increasingly frustrated and on one occasion hurled profanities. She told me she felt “terribly disappointed and terribly hurt.”
In fact, the Vanity Fair piece suggests that the Jenner kids are very skeptical and suspicious of the Kardashian's influence on Caitlyn Jenner's reality show - are network executives trying to do the right thing or are they trying to create entertaining television? Complicating matters is Caitlyn Jenner's disconnect from his older kids' lives, Caitlyn Jenner admits:
I have made a lot of mistakes raising the four Jenner kids. I had times not only dealing with my own issues but exes. [It was] very traumatic and there was a lot of turmoil in my life, and I wasn’t as close to my kids as I should have been.
Bissinger also notes in interviews with Caitlyn Jenner's past wives Chrystie Crownover and Linda Thompson, that Jenner was not present in many major life events including his daughter Cassandra's birth, nor at son Brandon's high school graduation. But, things really hit the fan when he landed a spot on the reality show, 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians':
“I think the nail in the coffin for the relationship was the beginning of the TV show,” in 2007, said Burt. “There was a you-aren’t-part-of-this kind of thing. Kris made the choice to make a good TV show that was in their image and brand.” As she put it in a book she wrote called Kris Jenner … and All Things Kardashian, the title “Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the Jenners just didn’t have the same ring to it.”
Given Bissinger's reporting, you can't blame the Jenner kids for being upset and suspicious of reality TV and the Kardashian matriarch, Kris Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner recently revealed details surrounding his marriage to Kris Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner: "I was mistreated" by her ex-wife Kris Jenner.

'The first 15 years I felt she needed me more because I was the breadwinner,' she told Vanity Fair. 'Then really around the show, when that hit and she was running the whole show and getting credit for it and she had her own money, she didn't need me as much from that standpoint... I think in a lot of ways she became less tolerant of me.'

Caitlyn continued: 'A lot of times she wasn't very nice. People would see how I got mistreated. She controlled the money, all that kind of stuff.'

When Bruce let the world in on his intention to become a woman, Kris was taken aback. 'It was like the most passive-aggressive thing I think I ever experienced,' Kris lashed back.

Kris responded by telling Vanity Fair:
'He was married to me and he wasn't who he wanted to be so he was miserable…'All I was doing was working very hard for my family so that we could all have a wonderful future, and he was p***ed off.' 'At the end of my relationship with Bruce he definitely had a lot of social anxiety… That was one of the reasons we were in a struggle at the end.'

caitlyn-jenner-twitter-hed-2015

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Caitlyn Jenner Panic Attack "What did I just do?"

Caitlyin told Vanity Fair magazine that "Bruce always had to tell a lie...Caitlyn doesn't have any secrets. However, it was not all peaches and cream, Caitlyn Jenner suffered a panic attack after the 10 hour surgery in March.

During the Vanity Fair interview, Jenner revealed she had a panic attack at one point during the transition.

Caitlyn told author Buzz Bissinger she was left wondering, 'What did I just do? What did I just do to myself?'

The exclamation came after waking up from a 10-hour facial feminization surgery on March 15, when she was worried she had gone too far. But after calling a counselor from the Los Angeles Gender Center, who made a house call to Jenner's Malibu home, she realized the doubt and second-guessing was 'human and temporary'.

In fact, she said that shooting the cover was better than winning the Olympics.'That was a good day, but the last couple of days were better,' Caitlyn told the magazine.

Caitlyn Jenner to make red carpet debut at ESPYs

ESPN confirmed on Monday over Twitter that Caitlyn Jenner will receive the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage at the ESPYs, happening next month in Los Angeles.

It will be the first major public appearance for the 65-year-old decathlete, who became famous in the late 70s. But as the reality star explained in the Vanity Fair cover story, it took immense courage to undergo this physical transformation.

'It's not about the fanfare, it's not about people cheering in the stadium, it's not about going down the street and everybody giving "That a boy, Bruce," pat on the back. Okay, this is about your life," the Olympic gold winner told Vanity Fair.

Caitlyn will be joined by her family onstage the Nokia Theatre during the ceremony. Previous winners include Howard Cosell, Muhammad Ali, Nelson Mandela and Robin Roberts.

Caitlyn Jenner was Inspired by Monica Lewinsky

Three months ago, Monica Lewinsky's Ted Talk on cyber-bullying touched Caitlyn Jenner, who has suffered backlash in the last few months. The former White House intern's life changed forever after she had several sexual encounters with President Bill Clinton in the mid 90s.

"The talk struck a chord with Caitlyn" Vanity Fair's Buzz Bissinger wrote in the July edition, "because of the similarities with how she had dealt with on th eInternet."

After reading the article, Lewinsky, tweeted at the 65-year-old Olympic gold medalist. 'And i am moved by @Caitlyn_Jenner being moved!' 'Insisting on a different ending to her story is EXACTLY what @Caitlyn_Jenner is doing. she is helping so many. BRAVA! @VanityFair.'

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